Retirement and Marriage- A Match Made in Heaven?
Photo by Narissa De Villars on Unsplash
The first time I heard about my grandparents wanting a divorce was a year ago. I was never really sure of their relationship with each other. When I was little, I used to make jokes that I had never seen them kiss, but I didn’t think that meant that they had a miserable marriage. They were the two most loving people to me, so I believed that their marriage must have been the same. However, when my grandpa began to take some weekends down the shore for “space,” I began to get concerned. They have been together for 50 years, and although it hadn’t been entirely perfect, I never expected to hear about them wanting to throw it away. The possibility sent me into an emotional spiral. When I brought it up to my dad one night over dinner, he didn’t seem to be as concerned as I was. I assumed that he would be as upset as I was from that news. Instead, he actually was surprised that I was surprised. He said to me, “Well Lyss, they’re together all the time now, which they never were before. That happens to couples when they retire.” Thankfully, they haven’t divorced and have been working at their marriage, but I was still surprised to know that retirement can bring tensions to even the strongest of relationships.
In retirement, your life transitions and your relationships change as well. If you’re married, your relationship with your spouse might shift significantly. I never realized until recently that when you get married, you don’t really get the opportunity to spend consistent time in each other’s company. During their working years, average couples spend about 2-3 hours together each day, depending upon work schedules. Time together on weekends can vary, but in the long run, couples don't seem to spend a lot of time together.
In retirement, time spent together may drastically increase. That can alter a person’s mental health and put a strain on the harmonious relationship that once existed. If you look at the statistics (National Library of Medicine), 36% of people getting divorced are above the age of 50, and 25% are 65 or older.
According to AARP , baby boomers are the highest generation for later in life divorce, which is being referred to as “gray divorce.” This trend highlights generational differences in how people approach marriage.
While baby boomers are leading in late-life divorces, younger generations have taken a more cautious approach to marriage. Younger generations aren’t rushing into marriage, and they’ve grown up with more financial independence and access to resources that weren’t available before. Over time, the stigma that previously existed against divorce has given way to an idea of new beginnings. For some who are now retiring and who got married too young, they believe that divorce can be a new beginning for them, too.
Let me be clear, I’m not encouraging retirees to get divorced, unless that’s what they truly want. It is very easy to use the working lifestyle to avoid getting to really know your partner. But now that their time together is 24/7, retirees have to explore their relationship. This sudden increase in togetherness can create friction, as couples realize they have grown apart or developed different interests over the years, according to the American Psychological Organization.The beauty of relationships is that they evolve as we do.
In retirement, it’s important to create a lifestyle that meets everyone’s emotional needs, whether that means spending time alone on individual hobbies or finding shared interests. For example, my grandparents have decided how much they love the theater, so they go to community shows together because it is something they both like. They have also figured out that separate interests can be healthy, too. My grandpa goes biking with his retired friends to give him time to do something for himself.
Marriage, like life itself, is not linear, especially in retirement. It is important for those going through the shift to discover how they can better their relationships. We also need to give the older generations the normalcy of divorce when their marriage isn’t working. It doesn’t need to be one or the other, it is just what works best for each person in the relationship. That’s why, in my grandparents’ marriage, my grandpa occasionally stays in the guest room at my aunt’s house when he needs space or takes a solo trip down the shore. My grandma takes time for her interests, too. I am proud of the steps they are taking to try to mend and strengthen their relationship.
